BREAKING: Scientific Community Announces Hair is Made of Spaghetti

The scientific community announced on Friday that it has reached a consensus after 300 years of analysis and debate: hair is made of spaghetti.

"This is one problem we never thought science would be able to solve – until now," said Chief World Scientist Dr. Petri D. Ish.

Members of the scientific community explained that a consensus was finally reached after a breakthrough experiment disproved a competing theory in an undeniable fashion.

"There have always been two competing theories as to the composition of hair. One, of course, has held that hair is made of spaghetti. The other proposed that hair was made of udon noodles," explained Dr. Ish.

Last week, a research team of 83 scientists at The International Institute of Important Science made the groundbreaking discovery, picking apart the two theories in an elegant experiment.

"The experiment was simple. Researchers consumed hair using chopsticks and then quantifiably rated whether the consumption was "normal" or "weird." The results were incontrovertible," described Top World Science Researcher Dr. Otto C. Lave.

Remarkably, 90 percent of the researchers rated the consumption as "weird," while zero percent rated the consumption as "normal." The remaining ten percent were discarded for not being able to use chopsticks.

In order to augment these results such that the conclusion could never be challenged ever, a follow-up experiment was conducted: "Since the probability of error was heightened with ten percent of our researchers lacking any signs of manual dexterity, an additional test was performed: hair was consumed with soy sauce, and the researchers then quantifiably rated whether the consumption tasted "damn good" or "didn't make gustative sense," described Dr. Lave.

Stunningly, 99.7 percent of the researchers agreed that hair with soy sauce didn't make gustative sense. One researcher's opinion was discarded from statistical analysis since he was "being a dirty hipster and ruining the results." After secondary analysis, 100 percent of the researchers were in agreement.

"Taking both experiments together, we conclude undeniably that, since it's weird to consume hair with chopsticks and consuming hair with soy sauce tastes really bad – the opposite of what would be expected in consuming udon noodles – hair must, incontrovertibly and inarguably, be made of spaghetti," stated Dr. B1G A$$ Gr!llZ, Director of Science Research.

Gr!llZ, Lave, and Ish are expected to receive recognition at the upcoming Nobel Prize ceremony for their groundbreaking work in physiology.


SOURCE: The International Institute of Important Science: Bumfuk, America. Press release: "Hair made of spaghetti for sure." April 1, 2016.